1) I enjoyed the sword-fighting scene( it's quite interactive with the reader) and the fantasy elements in the story. I think you guys did a good job at description and jumped into the story right away which is good. It seemed like a set-up for something an epic adventure....
2) But the ending was a bit rushed. I mean, she survives the epic confrontation with a witch but gets killed because she's tying her shoelaces. Nevertheless, good job overall. :D
1. I enjoyed the suspense in the beginning, since it made the story much more exciting. Also, it was nice that you guys put in the effort to have many different choices and endings. The setting was greatly written as well, with the forest and house scenes being very vivid. 2. Unfortunately, there didn't seem to be a whole lot of character description. The reader isn't able to understand the characters in depth. Especially Abigail, who's the main character but doesn't seem to have much of a personality. We know she is a great swordswoman, but what else?
1) I liked the twisted plot a lot. No matter which choice I selected, there was always something on the next page that surprised me. The author did a wonderful job fabricating all sorts of characters, escapes, deaths, etc. Amazing effort! 2)Perhaps characterization was too rushed and therefore incomplete. The story line was too convoluted to allow much character description. Also, the choices characterized Abigail, so Abigail had to be a pretty flexible character that changed according the the reader's will.
1.You provided enough suspense and diversity, epic fights, and vivid descriptions\ 2. Dying when tying your shoelaces is weird By the way, Abigail went down twice in my rundown
1. Super fun to read! I went back and did lots of the options, haha. The plot was very interesting and had lots of suspense. The descriptions were good as well. 2. I guess since Abigail had many different choices to make, her character must be flexible. But I think maybe some more description of her character could have made the story a bit better. Some of the endings were kind of abrupt, but I guess the story couldn't have gone of forever. Great job overall! :)
- Jessica 1) Your imagery is amazing. Without having to reread any sentence, I could clearly form an image of the setting you guys were aiming for. Your descriptions of blood, forests, and the monster are fantastic. If I had read your story at night, I'd probably be frightened out of my life. 2) I loved how you guys used the "Choose Your Adventure" concept. Although only one out of the countless endings you created was happy, I enjoyed reading through every single plotline and finding one that ended on a good note. All of them were equally intriguing and full of blood and gore, which is awesome!
1) I like how you used very detailed descriptions of the characters to let readers know what is going on. I think it is great and you should keep that up. :)
2) I think you should expand or extend some parts of the story, especially the beginning. I thought that was a little bit rushed.
1) I like your interesting plot, it's very thrilling and awesome. The description is very nice and detailed. The setting was well written and imaginable in my head.
2) I think you should expand the ending, because it is a bit too fast and sudden.Some information are a bit unnecessary and makes the story a bit boring. You should add some more dialogue, not just okay or identity verified.
Hi Arnold, 1) Your characterization was fantastic. How did you manage to give the characters convincing military personalities? I would never be able to do that. 2) I agree with Angel: you can expand on some parts of the story. Sometimes it was hard for me to understand all the sci-fi problems. If you explained a some things a bit more, the story might be easier to follow. Great job :)
regarding Jeffrey's story. 1. Very vivid description. It directly brings out the characters' skills and adventurous qualities 2. A bit more dialogue would make the story perfect
- Jessica 1) Your characterization was really good. I liked how you actually took the time to expound on details about Felix's appearance, his muscles, tall build, etc. I also enjoyed reading the more subtle descriptions of a character's "black body and shiny eyes'. These details surely add on to the plot and setting. 2) I think you needed a bit more intriguing of a hook. After reading the first paragraph, I didn't have much of a will to continue reading and if I were reading your story for recreational purposes, I might stop reading. However, it got better afterwards and I was glad I had read it, there were many enchanting descriptions there.
1) The descriptions were breathtaking. I loved how you so aptly described the mermaid prison and used all sorts of beautiful words to give us a very vivid image of it. It was just really beautiful.
2) As much as I loved the story, I thought it was way too short to be actually considered a 'story'. It would fit as a vignette, or a description, but not as a full-fledged story. Also, I think it could benefit a lot from a plot.
1) The imagery truly grabs the reader's attention fully. I love the way you describe the functions' of mermaid tails and their characteristics. It's a very well-written story! :)
2) The story has a wonderful flow that is created through the use of beautiful adjectives. A serene tone is created through your use of literary elements.
1) Fantastic descriptions with lots of complicated vocab ,which is effective but not over the top. Your descriptions truly transport the reader to this ethereal underwater world. The references to "prisoners", "death" and "corpses" doomed to some eternal suffering nicely set up an atmosphere of darkness behind a facade of elegance.
2) I agree with Allen, it does need a plot...but this type of story would take a whole book to write so never mind. Apart from this, I can't really find anything too critique because the amazing writing cancels the lack of plot.
1. Super descriptive, which allows the reader to be able to have a very clear image of the setting and the story. Lots of complex vocabulary which makes you sound smart :) haha The story had good flow, which made it easy to read. 2. Agree with Allen/Monica, the story is more of a description and needs further plot development. There were no characters, sounds like more of an intro. But the writing itself was really good, just needs further development.
JOSEPHINE'S REPLY TO JONATHAN: 1. Lots of detailed description of both the prison and the prisoners themselves. The world choice and writing style makes sets the eerie tone of the whole story, and makes it very interesting to read. Using present tense adds to the creepy vibe. 2. Not a lot of things happening in the text. There are no specific characters, only a lot of details on their appearance and surroundings. Story could have less description and more character/plot development.
- Jessica 1) I loved your beautiful descriptions of the mermaid prison. Even though there were no visuals to add to your setting, I felt that the words you chose already create a vivid image of the mermaid prison. The fluid, dim, and eerie kind of mood of your story was very apparent to me after reading it once. 2) Though your setting was awesome, you did not have any characters and much of a plot. So continue working on that. I look forward to reading your completed story in the mermaid prison.
Hi :) 1) I think yours was really nice with many pictures on the slides, making it easy for us to read. I like how you made a twist to it! This story kind of reminds me of the story of Hansel and Gretel! :) Great job! 2) I think you should work on expanding the storyline, making it more dramatic. Personally, I think it's a little bit short. I think maybe you could add some more details to the story. What were Reena and Jacob look like? What were their emotions when they found out that their mother had left them in the woods?
1) I thought the story was very interesting, and the descriptions of the forest was quite nice. Also, the pictures were amazing and helped add onto the depth and vividness of the tale. The motivating message at the end- persistence is the way to do it- really gave the story a sense of purpose, too.
2) Although it was pretty good, I felt that it could have been a bit longer. Also, it was bit too familiar to Hansel and Gretel. I felt like you could have lengthened it and added some more new stuff to the story. It was pretty good, though- it was really fresh. :)
1) Since it's a story for kids, nice visuals (I think children really appreciate questions). The plot is easy to grasp for a kid but not so degrading that an older person would feel childish reading it. Also, good use of the "evil-v.s good" concept - kids like stories with antagonists who're defeated.
2)I think that the plot is too similar to the story of Hansel &Gretel. It's also kinda inappropriate (if it's a kids' fairy tale) to mention pedophiles. Lastly, it'd be better if the mother had a better reason than financial disabilities for ditching her children, since most mums aren't so heartless.
1)I like the suspense, it really got me hooked into the story. The pictures are wonderful and gives visual aid to the story. Solid and interesting story overall.
2) I think you should expand more and include more slides. More words and details would be better. Awesome job in this story!
Hi Tiffany =) 1)Wow, I really loved how you presented your story. The pictures and big block letters got me hooked. :P It's a rather gruesome version of Hansel and Gretel, especially towards the ending. Even after hearing of how they ate human cake, I really want to go to their bakery right now. 2) The climax was kind of short. I would have loved to hear about the witch being baked into a cake. Also, I wish I learned more about Reena and Jacob. What are their personalities? That way I can be more sure I won't become a human cake when I visit their bakery.
- Jessica 1) I loved the visuals you used. The words you chose perfectly captured the tone and mood of the setting so well that I felt like the descriptions were merely additional parts of your story. Plus, the pictures made the story much more intriguing to read and I easily moved through the story without any feelings of boredom. However, I think you needed more characterization, since all we knew about the characters were their names basically. 2) I love your plot.
1) I was very impressed by the world-building of this story, Jake and the Search For Immortality. I loved the inclusion of Greek mythology, and the way the author built upon the established stories and created his own. The main character was also quite likable, and the new words/phrases were quite interesting. A+ for creativity; it entertained me.
2) I felt like there could have been more dialogue to flesh the story out a bit more. Even though it had amazing ideas in it, the descriptive side to it was a bit lacking and the story was quite shot. It was solid story overall, though- I just thought it could have benefited from showing more of the characters' traits, the areas in the world, and basically expanding the whole mythos.
1) The setting is very interesting and it creates a sense of suspense. I love the transitions between paragraphs because the flow is just so elegant!
2) The character descriptions provides readers with insight of the story's plot. The description of Jake is so vivid that it creates a connection between readers and the characters.
Angel Hsu commenting on Jeffrey's story: 1) I like how you built the overall plot. Like Allen said, it was really creative and entertaining. Stories like yours are especially interesting because it catches the reader's attention easily, and it is fun to read, too! 2) Some parts needed more description, but overall, I think your story is fantastic! :) The characters in your story could be described more vivdly! Great job!
Kathys comment 1. I liked how your plot was very well developed.The story had good and clear use of rising conflict and the other parts of plot. It was very creative and managed to successfully include Greek mythology, which was very interesting and entertaining to read. 2. I think more dialogue would have made it more interesting to read.The story was very concise but including some more detail in certain parts would've been good too.The reader also doesn't know much about the characters' personalities, and if one didn't know much about Greek mythology it would've been confusing.
JOSEPHINE'S RESPONSE TO JEFFERY: 1. The plot was well thought-out, and flowed very well. The conflict was clear, making the story focused and the purpose easy to identify. Details like racing wild tiger sharks made the story very interesting and fun to read. 2. The story could have used a bit more editing, as the grammar and word choice in some places seemed a bit off. A but more dialogue could have made the entire plot more interesting,since only description can get quite boring. The personalities of the characters aren't really shown (besides the jealous brother).
1) I loved how the setting created suspense and really caught my attention! The use of dark colors really depicted the scenes well. I loved the missing posters!
2) I enjoyed the scene in which you guys took a shot of the rain drops because it added more suspense to the story! Also, when the cabinet is opened and the note that says: "I am watching you" really made the plot interesting! :) It was very entertaining and awesome!!
Hehe :) Even though I did three already :P I'm still gonna comment because I thought the video was really awesome :) 1) The scenes in the beginning along with the music created a lot of suspense, which is what sets this video apart from the other works - the stories - and it is also what makes it so great! 2)Nothing to improve on! Perfect :D
Our link is here: http://www.infinite-story.com/story/room.php?id=98816
ReplyDeleteWe are focusing on:
(1) Character discription
(2) Setting
(3) Imagery and Conflict (Complex Storyline)
By: Allen And Angel
This comment has been removed by the author.
Delete1) I enjoyed the sword-fighting scene( it's quite interactive with the reader) and the fantasy elements in the story. I think you guys did a good job at description and jumped into the story right away which is good. It seemed like a set-up for something an epic adventure....
Delete2) But the ending was a bit rushed. I mean, she survives the epic confrontation with a witch but gets killed because she's tying her shoelaces. Nevertheless, good job overall. :D
JOSEPHINE THE GREAT'S RESPONSE TO ALLEN/ANGEL:
Delete1. I enjoyed the suspense in the beginning, since it made the story much more exciting. Also, it was nice that you guys put in the effort to have many different choices and endings. The setting was greatly written as well, with the forest and house scenes being very vivid.
2. Unfortunately, there didn't seem to be a whole lot of character description. The reader isn't able to understand the characters in depth. Especially Abigail, who's the main character but doesn't seem to have much of a personality. We know she is a great swordswoman, but what else?
1) I liked the twisted plot a lot. No matter which choice I selected, there was always something on the next page that surprised me. The author did a wonderful job fabricating all sorts of characters, escapes, deaths, etc. Amazing effort!
Delete2)Perhaps characterization was too rushed and therefore incomplete. The story line was too convoluted to allow much character description. Also, the choices characterized Abigail, so Abigail had to be a pretty flexible character that changed according the the reader's will.
1.You provided enough suspense and diversity, epic fights, and vivid descriptions\
Delete2. Dying when tying your shoelaces is weird
By the way, Abigail went down twice in my rundown
1. Super fun to read! I went back and did lots of the options, haha. The plot was very interesting and had lots of suspense. The descriptions were good as well.
Delete2. I guess since Abigail had many different choices to make, her character must be flexible. But I think maybe some more description of her character could have made the story a bit better. Some of the endings were kind of abrupt, but I guess the story couldn't have gone of forever. Great job overall! :)
- Jessica
Delete1) Your imagery is amazing. Without having to reread any sentence, I could clearly form an image of the setting you guys were aiming for. Your descriptions of blood, forests, and the monster are fantastic. If I had read your story at night, I'd probably be frightened out of my life.
2) I loved how you guys used the "Choose Your Adventure" concept. Although only one out of the countless endings you created was happy, I enjoyed reading through every single plotline and finding one that ended on a good note. All of them were equally intriguing and full of blood and gore, which is awesome!
Arnold Kuo
ReplyDeletehttps://docs.google.com/document/d/1rav48amPxXiJjPCwVvXo4TAH0wKKy6c28JZx16c19es/edit
1.Plot
2.Hook
3.Character description
Hi Arnold,
Delete1) I like how you used very detailed descriptions of the characters to let readers know what is going on. I think it is great and you should keep that up. :)
2) I think you should expand or extend some parts of the story, especially the beginning. I thought that was a little bit rushed.
Nice!
Yo
Delete1) I like your interesting plot, it's very thrilling and awesome. The description is very nice and detailed. The setting was well written and imaginable in my head.
2) I think you should expand the ending, because it is a bit too fast and sudden.Some information are a bit unnecessary and makes the story a bit boring. You should add some more dialogue, not just okay or identity verified.
Hi Arnold,
Delete1) Your characterization was fantastic. How did you manage to give the characters convincing military personalities? I would never be able to do that.
2) I agree with Angel: you can expand on some parts of the story. Sometimes it was hard for me to understand all the sci-fi problems. If you explained a some things a bit more, the story might be easier to follow.
Great job :)
regarding Jeffrey's story.
Delete1. Very vivid description. It directly brings out the characters' skills and adventurous qualities
2. A bit more dialogue would make the story perfect
- Jessica
Delete1) Your characterization was really good. I liked how you actually took the time to expound on details about Felix's appearance, his muscles, tall build, etc. I also enjoyed reading the more subtle descriptions of a character's "black body and shiny eyes'. These details surely add on to the plot and setting.
2) I think you needed a bit more intriguing of a hook. After reading the first paragraph, I didn't have much of a will to continue reading and if I were reading your story for recreational purposes, I might stop reading. However, it got better afterwards and I was glad I had read it, there were many enchanting descriptions there.
-Jonathan
ReplyDeleteStory at
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1nECEn9gG3UfaJdHGSdqUS7y-XWfu_29tG5EzXOjW65g/edit
Writing foci:
World/Setting
Imagery/Description
Intrigue/Suspense/Hook
Allen Tsai on Jonathan's Story
Delete1) The descriptions were breathtaking. I loved how you so aptly described the mermaid prison and used all sorts of beautiful words to give us a very vivid image of it. It was just really beautiful.
2) As much as I loved the story, I thought it was way too short to be actually considered a 'story'. It would fit as a vignette, or a description, but not as a full-fledged story. Also, I think it could benefit a lot from a plot.
1) The imagery truly grabs the reader's attention fully. I love the way you describe the functions' of mermaid tails and their characteristics. It's a very well-written story! :)
Delete2) The story has a wonderful flow that is created through the use of beautiful adjectives. A serene tone is created through your use of literary elements.
1) Fantastic descriptions with lots of complicated vocab ,which is effective but not over the top. Your descriptions truly transport the reader to this ethereal underwater world. The references to "prisoners", "death" and "corpses" doomed to some eternal suffering nicely set up an atmosphere of darkness behind a facade of elegance.
Delete2) I agree with Allen, it does need a plot...but this type of story would take a whole book to write so never mind. Apart from this, I can't really find anything too critique because the amazing writing cancels the lack of plot.
1) Stunning details, really really well written. You combined words so well that it painted a wonderful scenery. Awesome story!
Delete2) I wished you could have expanded more! I agree with Allen that it's more of a vignette. Still you did a great job!
1. Super descriptive, which allows the reader to be able to have a very clear image of the setting and the story. Lots of complex vocabulary which makes you sound smart :) haha The story had good flow, which made it easy to read.
Delete2. Agree with Allen/Monica, the story is more of a description and needs further plot development. There were no characters, sounds like more of an intro. But the writing itself was really good, just needs further development.
JOSEPHINE'S REPLY TO JONATHAN:
Delete1. Lots of detailed description of both the prison and the prisoners themselves. The world choice and writing style makes sets the eerie tone of the whole story, and makes it very interesting to read. Using present tense adds to the creepy vibe.
2. Not a lot of things happening in the text. There are no specific characters, only a lot of details on their appearance and surroundings. Story could have less description and more character/plot development.
- Jessica
Delete1) I loved your beautiful descriptions of the mermaid prison. Even though there were no visuals to add to your setting, I felt that the words you chose already create a vivid image of the mermaid prison. The fluid, dim, and eerie kind of mood of your story was very apparent to me after reading it once.
2) Though your setting was awesome, you did not have any characters and much of a plot. So continue working on that. I look forward to reading your completed story in the mermaid prison.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeletelink to Tiffany Wong's story: https://docs.google.com/presentation/d/1MPQR_Y4kyNaVF40fyBSnVqRlD73TVvgACBh67_ADsL4/edit#slide=id.p13
ReplyDeleteFocuses on:
- foreshadowing/imagery
- climax
- rising action
Hi :)
Delete1) I think yours was really nice with many pictures on the slides, making it easy for us to read. I like how you made a twist to it! This story kind of reminds me of the story of Hansel and Gretel! :) Great job!
2) I think you should work on expanding the storyline, making it more dramatic. Personally, I think it's a little bit short. I think maybe you could add some more details to the story. What were Reena and Jacob look like? What were their emotions when they found out that their mother had left them in the woods?
1) I thought the story was very interesting, and the descriptions of the forest was quite nice. Also, the pictures were amazing and helped add onto the depth and vividness of the tale. The motivating message at the end- persistence is the way to do it- really gave the story a sense of purpose, too.
Delete2) Although it was pretty good, I felt that it could have been a bit longer. Also, it was bit too familiar to Hansel and Gretel. I felt like you could have lengthened it and added some more new stuff to the story. It was pretty good, though- it was really fresh. :)
1) Since it's a story for kids, nice visuals (I think children really appreciate questions). The plot is easy to grasp for a kid but not so degrading that an older person would feel childish reading it. Also, good use of the "evil-v.s good" concept - kids like stories with antagonists who're defeated.
Delete2)I think that the plot is too similar to the story of Hansel &Gretel. It's also kinda inappropriate (if it's a kids' fairy tale) to mention pedophiles. Lastly, it'd be better if the mother had a better reason than financial disabilities for ditching her children, since most mums aren't so heartless.
1)I like the suspense, it really got me hooked into the story. The pictures are wonderful and gives visual aid to the story. Solid and interesting story overall.
Delete2) I think you should expand more and include more slides. More words and details would be better. Awesome job in this story!
Hi Tiffany =)
Delete1)Wow, I really loved how you presented your story. The pictures and big block letters got me hooked. :P It's a rather gruesome version of Hansel and Gretel, especially towards the ending. Even after hearing of how they ate human cake, I really want to go to their bakery right now.
2) The climax was kind of short. I would have loved to hear about the witch being baked into a cake. Also, I wish I learned more about Reena and Jacob. What are their personalities? That way I can be more sure I won't become a human cake when I visit their bakery.
- Jessica
Delete1) I loved the visuals you used. The words you chose perfectly captured the tone and mood of the setting so well that I felt like the descriptions were merely additional parts of your story. Plus, the pictures made the story much more intriguing to read and I easily moved through the story without any feelings of boredom. However, I think you needed more characterization, since all we knew about the characters were their names basically.
2) I love your plot.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteJeffrey Wang
ReplyDeletehttps://docs.google.com/document/d/1THfu_QHCtwgZVN8wSKlY8B0az_Rtyhy6pzjNKk9vvAs/edit
character description
plot
conflict
Allen Tsai on Jeffrey's Story
Delete1) I was very impressed by the world-building of this story, Jake and the Search For Immortality. I loved the inclusion of Greek mythology, and the way the author built upon the established stories and created his own. The main character was also quite likable, and the new words/phrases were quite interesting. A+ for creativity; it entertained me.
2) I felt like there could have been more dialogue to flesh the story out a bit more. Even though it had amazing ideas in it, the descriptive side to it was a bit lacking and the story was quite shot. It was solid story overall, though- I just thought it could have benefited from showing more of the characters' traits, the areas in the world, and basically expanding the whole mythos.
1) The setting is very interesting and it creates a sense of suspense. I love the transitions between paragraphs because the flow is just so elegant!
Delete2) The character descriptions provides readers with insight of the story's plot. The description of Jake is so vivid that it creates a connection between readers and the characters.
Angel Hsu commenting on Jeffrey's story:
Delete1) I like how you built the overall plot. Like Allen said, it was really creative and entertaining. Stories like yours are especially interesting because it catches the reader's attention easily, and it is fun to read, too!
2) Some parts needed more description, but overall, I think your story is fantastic! :) The characters in your story could be described more vivdly! Great job!
Kathys comment
Delete1. I liked how your plot was very well developed.The story had good and clear use of rising conflict and the other parts of plot. It was very creative and managed to successfully include Greek mythology, which was very interesting and entertaining to read.
2. I think more dialogue would have made it more interesting to read.The story was very concise but including some more detail in certain parts would've been good too.The reader also doesn't know much about the characters' personalities, and if one didn't know much about Greek mythology it would've been confusing.
JOSEPHINE'S RESPONSE TO JEFFERY:
Delete1. The plot was well thought-out, and flowed very well. The conflict was clear, making the story focused and the purpose easy to identify. Details like racing wild tiger sharks made the story very interesting and fun to read.
2. The story could have used a bit more editing, as the grammar and word choice in some places seemed a bit off. A but more dialogue could have made the entire plot more interesting,since only description can get quite boring. The personalities of the characters aren't really shown (besides the jealous brother).
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10150976125322767&set=vb.600062766&type=2&theater
ReplyDeleteOUR TRAILER-PREMONITION
-Monica, Jessica, Josephine, Kathy, Irene
3 areas of focus:
1. hook
2. characterization
3. conflict/suspense/mystery
1) I loved how the setting created suspense and really caught my attention! The use of dark colors really depicted the scenes well. I loved the missing posters!
Delete2) I enjoyed the scene in which you guys took a shot of the rain drops because it added more suspense to the story! Also, when the cabinet is opened and the note that says:
"I am watching you" really made the plot interesting! :)
It was very entertaining and awesome!!
Hehe :) Even though I did three already :P I'm still gonna comment because I thought the video was really awesome :)
Delete1) The scenes in the beginning along with the music created a lot of suspense, which is what sets this video apart from the other works - the stories - and it is also what makes it so great!
2)Nothing to improve on! Perfect :D